My Diary

DEC 21
It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy snow flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 22
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and pavement.

DEC 23
Today a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.

DEC 30
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars – £500. Fell on my a*se in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.

Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a 4×4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing – £200. Had another 8 inches of white sh*te last night. Both vehicles are re-covered in salt and iced up slush. That b*stard snowplough came by twice today. Where’s that bl**dy shovel.

More F*****G snow. Not a tree or bush in our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a F*****G lamp post on the way to Casualty and was written off.

F*****G B*****D white sh*te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little sod next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back – I’ll shove that carrot so far up the little pr*cks a*se it’ll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch the a*sehole that drives the snowplough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the B*****D hides round the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael F*****G Schumacher and buries the F*****G driveway again.

I am due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can’t move my F*****g toes. Haven’t seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more F*****G snow forecast. F*** this, I’m off to Barbados.

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