Archive for January, 2010

Morning Commute

I was in London the other weekend, and yet again I was surprised by just how busy the transport system was. I wasn’t using the tube at rush hour, yet the trains were still crowded and there was a crush on every platform.

The taxi from Euston Station to my hotel took 20 minutes to go a couple of miles. I certainly couldn’t face commuting like that every day.

Apparently, New York City residents take an average of 38.4 minutes to get to work each day — more than five minutes longer than Chicagoans, who face a commute of 32.7 minutes. The US national average is 24.4 minutes. That’s each way – so that’s almost an hour a day.

That’s getting on for 5 hours a week, sat in traffic like this.

As I got out of my car at work this morning, I noticed the trip computer. Mileage – 3.0 miles. Time – 6.0 minutes. Now that’s my kind of commute. I know I don’t pass a Starbucks, but that’s ok. I’ve got one of these waiting for me at work.

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Terror alert level increased

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” A Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new navy ready to deploy. These converted tourist boats have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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I’m still waiting

The yellow bin for the grit salt came today. Two weeks after the snow went away.

The salt? Still not here. As Diana Ross said…..

“I’m still waiting”

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Duck Hunting

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Pirate Radio

Recently, I’ve been reading, and enjoying, a blog by a Magistrate called Stan.

He is at

The most recent post amused me… but it makes sense. It is quoted below, but please bookmark Stan’s blog – it’s always well worth reading.


Better the Doofus you Know

The hero of Stephen Fry’s book “Making History” sends a male contraceptive pill back in time and makes Adolf Hitler’s dad infertile. The theory was that by making sure Adolf Hitler never existed, millions of people would be spared the mayhem of war and holocaust that he caused.

What then happened though was that a different, less mad, more able man led the Nazis to victory in Europe in the 1940’s and on to a lasting world domination that changed our hero’s past and present very much for the worse.

I was reminded of this when I read about the government banning the organisation Islam4UK.

I actually wish they hadn’t done this – Islam4UK’s actions and opinions are monstrous, but they are almost comically incompetent and impotent. They have zero PR ability and are led by a failed medical student who supports his family on State Benefits. The man is so dim that he fails to see the contradiction involved in taking money from a State that he doesn’t want anything to do with.

Can you imagine a situation where instead of this bunch of stroppy mammy’s boys, an extreme Islamic organisation was formed that was led by someone of more substance. Imagine a man (not a woman, infidel) who was filled with something more than just lazy hatred and ambition. Imagine someone capable of building an organisation that was intelligent, well-funded, coherent and media-savvy.


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My Diary

DEC 21
It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy snow flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It’s so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 22
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and pavement.

DEC 23
Today a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.

DEC 30
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars – £500. Fell on my a*se in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.

Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a 4×4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing – £200. Had another 8 inches of white sh*te last night. Both vehicles are re-covered in salt and iced up slush. That b*stard snowplough came by twice today. Where’s that bl**dy shovel.

More F*****G snow. Not a tree or bush in our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a F*****G lamp post on the way to Casualty and was written off.

F*****G B*****D white sh*te just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little sod next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back – I’ll shove that carrot so far up the little pr*cks a*se it’ll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch the a*sehole that drives the snowplough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the B*****D hides round the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael F*****G Schumacher and buries the F*****G driveway again.

I am due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can’t move my F*****g toes. Haven’t seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more F*****G snow forecast. F*** this, I’m off to Barbados.

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Good Widdance

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Me too.

It’s vebrrrrrrrrrrrrrry cold. Very cold. We’ve been spbrrrrrrrrrrreading spreading the salt on the brrrrrrrrrroad and the path. Yes – the local brrrrrrrruilders builders merchants had some grit salt left. We took ten bags.

I need to be somewhere hot. Drinking something cold.

Going by this advert hoarding, Thailand looks good…………

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Fingers crossed

Still chasing the rock salt we ordered on 23rd December. Apparently, it has spent the last 2 days languishing in the City Link warehouse in Coventry.

Just telephoned a local builders merchants. “I don’t suppose you’ve got any rock salt” I say. “We’ve just got 30 tons in this morning” she replies, “but it’s going fast”.

They are 10 minutes away – normally – down country lanes. Staff have been despatched to get a few bags. By my calculations, one 25kg bag is enough to do our roadway and the paths by the office buildings. Hopefully there will be a few bags left when we get there.

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Spot the difference

On the right, what we wish. On the left, what we get.

Stop Press: still no sign of my salt.

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