Police Complaint

This is (allegedly) a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry
member of the public
, lengthy but brilliantly written…..

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police
station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues
in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I
think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys
Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite.

This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system
works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins.

One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a
beaver on speed.

I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the
two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I
would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them
and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this – after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why
not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when
there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before
doing a three point turn and disappearing again.

This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in
trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
PC ?
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station,
and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for
inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?
In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen
Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the
gang itself?
Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one
with a chin like a wash hand basin?
It’s surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care
and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words
of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want
to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on <DATE> If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll
buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub.
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t
work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

If you want to hear from the “sharp end” of the “other side”, you could always click on
“….been there – done that….” – maybe. But have you bought the T-Shirt ?

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