Archive for October, 2007

Don’t Ask Me…

One of my favourite web pages is a column called Ask the Pilot.

Written by an airline pilot, there is also a book of the same title, which I enjoyed a few years ago. There’s a link on the sidebar.

In the current edition, there are a few questions asked by readers reprinted for our amusement. The author does not attempt to answer them, but I can’t resist the temptation.

Q: I know what you think but how many lasers did it taken in theory to project those planes onto the world trade center and not the real things? No bullshit.

This one’s easy to answer. 4,284.

Just add together 911 (the date), 2974 (dead), 24 (missing), 19 (hijackers), 175, 93, 11 and 77 (the flight numbers). Obvious to any conspiracy theorist.

Maybe add 666 as well, for the number of the Beast…..

Q: I was visiting friends in Santa Fe last year, and by the time I left their house, my black canvas soft-side suitcase was covered in dog hair from their Labrador retriever. I tried brushing it off, but it clung tenaciously. It looked horrible, like I’d been staying in a doghouse. I thought for sure I’d need several sessions with a lint roller when I got home. But, when I picked up my luggage in Baton Rouge, I was astonished to see that not one dog hair remained on my suitcase, not even in the seams! Does passing through the X-ray machines somehow give the dog hair an opposite electric charge, so that it flies off? And if this does happen, where does the dog hair go?

Clearly this flight passed through Heathrow, where they’ll steal anything!

Q: Perhaps you could lend your support to a rhetorical cause I’ve been waging without success. Why does the press still refer to “fighter jets”? The inference is that some fighters are propeller-powered and others are jet-powered. That might have made sense in Korea; perhaps even Vietnam. But today, all fighters are jets. Calling them “fighter jets” is redundant. It’s like the sports pages using “baseball pitcher,” just to be sure we didn’t think they were writing about pitchers in cricket or some other sport.

I would prefer that the press was honest rather than pedantic… however neither of us get what we want….

Q: At night, after a commercial plane takes off and is flying close to housetops, can the lights of the plane shine so bright it looks like just one large, very bright light then the entire light of the plane goes off altogether leaving just the night sky? My question, does this happen with planes at any time? Please reply as soon as possible, thanks

No. Don’t be daft. What you saw was a UFO.

Q: Which clothing material would be safest in the event of a fuel vapor flash fire in the cabin? As I recall, wearing a wool suit is the best bet. Is this true? I am hoping that suits will become fashionable again for air travel.

If you fly easyJet, you will see that suits are indeed fashionable for air travel.

Shell Suits.

Q: I really enjoy your column and read it every week. It seems you have traveled to many parts of the world. Have you traveled to India? I am from Calcutta, and our airport used to be called Dum Dum airport because it was situated in the town of Dum Dum. Thank you.

I thought it was named after these questions and answers…

Q: What’s the deal on jettisoned fuel? Are the glaciers in the Alps really covered in fuel jettisoned at high altitude? We once hiked to a Swiss alpine hut and asked for fresh mountain water. They refused to give it to us, saying that the melt water from the glacier was full of airplane fuel.

Do you think that the people in the hut maybe didn’t want to give you any water? Maybe they would rather people don’t hike near their isolated hut…

Q: What flights are available from Vizag on 14th October? Thanks & Regards.

Flights in the sky on big shiny airplanes. Glad to be able to help. Welcome and Goodbye.

Q: stuck in colorado we have to fly to east west, but when I go to near states I fly as do others.

Then don’t live in Colorado.

Q:Imagine you are a dog. What would you go through in a plane’s cargo hold during a long trans-pacific flight, and later being handled as baggage upon arrival at Manila airport. What would ease your pain?

mmmmm bone. mmm sniff that dog’s ass. mmm bite baggage handler. mmmmm shag customs officer’s leg. go to vets. snip ouch. mmmm chase cat hisss scratch ouch. mmmmm bone.

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Married life…

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
 
So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”
 
“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.
 
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” he answered. I’m going to have a beer.”
 
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
 
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ” Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen glasses… ”
 
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she got chilly just holding it.
 
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
 
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
 
“But my sweet honey… at the bar, you know, there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”
 
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?”

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?”
 
and….they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story?

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Thoughts for the day

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s not enough chlorine.

So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Constipation causes people not to give a crap.

Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

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Chicken 1 – Laptop 0

Well, we had a great meal at Nando’s the other evening, but a few problems on the journey. SO has recently had her appendix removed, and things are a bit sore. We worked out the route taking the best (least bumpy) roads, and the taxi driver took us there so gently she felt fine.

 The chicken was tasty… but I “chickened out” and had the “mild” spice option. We also got a bottle of free wine… and SO can only have 1 small glass because of the antibiotics… her loss is my gain…

On the way back we had a different taxi driver and the &*%$£**&^% went full speed over 3 speed humps. Muppet.

And I didn’t win the Times Sudoko contest… so no shiny new laptop.

Phoned in to the local radio station again today… “I would take the starr right out the sky for you” but we weren’t picked. Still, we’ve got one free meal voucher to go yet…

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