Archive for July, 2007

The Last Word


The last word …. When the car ignited and the bomber ran from the vehicle jabbering insanely, he suddenly exclaimed,”Poor wee cowerin’, timerous beastie.”

At which point it became apparent to all how bad his Burns was!


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Gallows Humour

In the wake of the Glasgow airport attack, there have been various spoof articles going around.

In America, many people resort to counselling to get “closure”. In Britain, we are as likely to “have a nice cup of tea”.

Just another example of how we truly are “two countries separated by a common language”… many Americans might find our use of gallows humour in bad taste… bit it isn’t meant that way.

For instance, there is a joke going around that refers to the Glasgow attack and to Dr Harold Shipman, the serial killer, that goes like this:

4 Moslem Doctors + 3 bombs = 0 dead.   1 British Doctor + 1 syringe = 300 dead. Makes you proud to be British.

Now, if you are related to one of Shipman’s victims, you might be offended. But more likely you will be offended by Jonathan King’s new record… where he claims that the victims wanted to die…

The joke is just that… a joke. Nothing important. But the record is a blatant attempt to use controversy to gain publicity, boost a failed career and make money. Now… which one is really in bad taste?

For those who like jokes in questionable taste… here are a few more…

Airport attackers to be charged under antismoking laws. 

Two men who drove a lit car into the main concourse at Glasgow Airport are to be charged under Scotland’s tough antismoking laws. The attackers were caught on CCTV as they lit up a Jeep Cherokee and then allowed it to burn in an enclosed public space.

For Sale : Motors

L-reg Jeep Cherokee, fanatical owner, but needs paint, no battery, gas conversion, charcoal interior, tinted windows. . . bargain £2,500, will exchange for air miles.

BUPA takes over failing NHS terror cell

Private healthcare firm Bupa is being parachuted in to take control of the NHS’s failing British terror campaign. Dr Stephen Malley, head of Bupa’s NHS task force, said: ‘The NHS terrorists are good people with good intentions and they are doing their best to incinerate themselves and the public in very difficult circumstances. But it is clear they need private sector expertise. There is too much red tape and form-filling involved in NHS fanaticism. We will outsource that work to a call centre in Pakistan and let the terrorist doctors be terrorist doctors”. BUPA members will be entitled to free attacks, while the rest of the travelling public may be attacked for a fixed fee.

Dr Malley promised the public would see immediate results with a rapid reduction in waiting times for terror operations and a huge decrease in survival rates. 

A spokesman for al-Qaeda welcomed the move saying it was obvious the existing NHS terror managers were “useless fuds” who could not organise “a virgin deflowering in paradise”.

However, the move has been criticised by health sector unions who described it as a threat to the founding principles of the NHS, that terror should be available to all and free at the point of delivery.

Roy Hobbs, of the health services union Unison, said: “The NHS has some of the finest terrorist doctors in the world today, and this is an insult to their hard work and dedication.


 FOREIGN bomb doctors have brought “disgrace” on their profession by breaching rules on out of hours work, according to the British Medical Association.

The new GP contracts restrict the perpetration of terrorist outrages to normal surgery hours, nine until five, Monday to Friday.

Senior medics say the bomb doctors should be struck off for attacking Glasgow airport on a weekend afternoon when they should have been playing golf, or drinking heavily. Doctors spend many years studying before taking a solemn oath to earn £100,000 a year and play at least 18 holes every Saturday. They should not work at weekends.

Not only were they not playing golf, they attempted to drive a shabby L-reg Jeep into an airport. Any proper doctor would have used a Range Rover or, at the very least, a BMW X5.

NHS vetting procedures are to be upgraded to cope with the recent influx of foreign bomb doctors. Currently all new medics arriving from abroad are requested not to murder large numbers of British citizens. From next April they will be told that mass terrorism is “unprofessional” and will be asked to sign a disclaimer.

If you found these funny, why not click on

If you didn’t find them funny, don’t get worked up. Life’s too short.

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Is it a bird ?????

Although I live and work in the countryside, I don’t have much idea about identifying flora and fauna.

At junior school I remember being the butt of some amusement because I couldn’t tell a lettuce from a cauliflower. Well… they are both green and round… and bigger than a sprout.

My nature knowledge has consisted of the following.

If it’s green and flat…… it’s a lawn

If it’s green and round……. it’s a bush

If it’s green, round and on a stick……. it’s a tree.

If it flies…. it’s probably a bird. Or a plane.

However, I have to produce an “interpretation guide” to inform visitors about nature on and around the Caravan Park.

I put it off as long as possible, then, last night, inspiration struck. It might have been the “brain oil”…. a few pints of San Miguel …. but I knew how to do it. And this lunchtime, it is printed and in Reception.

My inspiration was simply to ask a few people what things were called…. make a list…. look them up in Wikipedia…. then print the (edited for length) results.


The Conservation Foundation inspect us this month, for the David Bellamy Conservation Awards. Last time we were inspected, 4 years ago, we scored high Bronze…. here’s hoping for a Silver!

OK…. OK…. Here’s hoping for a GOLD !!!!

But I’ll settle for a silver…. it still means we have made some progress.

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Who wants to be a Terrorist?

And now, Osama, we are playing for the £250,000 question. How do you blow up Glasgow Airport?

Do you A……. Study explosives in depth on the internet, buy some plastic explosive from an Eastern European source, build an electronic fuse, add tamper-proof circuits and build the bomb into an innocuous item, like a fire extinguisher, then leave it in the middle of a check-in hall at a crowded time………

 Do you B……. Use your middle-east connections to contact an experienced Mercenary to do the job for you………

Do you C…….. Raid an army store, pack explosives into a large van, crash it through the doors into the building and then trigger the explosion……..

Or do you D…… Buy some calor gas from B&Q, strike a match and hope for the best, to succeed only in burning yourself half to death, while having the s&^% kicked out of you by a few Glaswegians…….

Do you want to phone a friend…… Oh no….. I forgot…… you haven’t got any friends.

Millions of bombs were dropped on Britain by experts, day in, day out, during WW2. We did not surrender to Germany then, and we will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER surrender to Al Quaida, now or in the future.

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