Ground Farce

Alan, the CORGI gas fitter came today to commission a new caravan ready for its owner.

“Can you turn on the water?” he asks “I need to check the central heating boiler”. I should explain that we turn off the water supply when we close on 7th January, and usually turn it back on when we reopen, on 1st March. So duly I turn the tap on.

Caravans today are not the same as I remember them from when I was a child. Gone is the bed that folds away against the wall, gone is the coal fire, and gone are the gas lights that made a gentle hiss as they flickered.

Instead, we have fitted kitchens, integrated fridge-freezers, en-suite bathrooms, jacuzzi massage baths, patio doors, double glazing, and even Central Heating!

Connecting gas to a caravan used to take 10 minutes with a rubber hose and a jubilee clip. Now it takes all day.

Halfway through the day, Alan returns to the office. “Did you turn that tap on properly” he says “because there is no water pressure”.

“I may not have a CORGI certificate, but I can turn on a tap” I reply. “I’ll have a look”.

Just as he says, there is next to no water flowing at the caravan. However, as I walk back up the hill path to my office, I notice something new. Since I last looked at the new landscaping, we seem to have acquired a new water feature. A waterfall.

“I think I can see the problem” says I.

Alan (a different Alan) has been planting some shrubs, and it is perhaps possible that he dug maybe a little too enthusiastically, because I can see a veritable niagra falls of a waterfall, spouting from under one of the shrubs.

This should not really surprise me, as last year he dug a little too enthusiastically near some electric cables, and blacked out the car park lights for a week.

“Where’s Dave, (the plumber)”, I ask. “Spain” comes the reply. You can guess my reply…. I cannot print it here.

Ah well, all is not lost. Dave flies home tonight. There will be a message waiting for him when he gets home, and he will be back to work maybe a bit sooner than he planned. Like 8am tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed that it’s an easy pipe to repair, and we don’t have to dig up all of Alan’s shrubs. Alan (the other Alan) is coming back tomorrow afternoon to finish commissioning the caravan, so we should be ready on time.

Honestly, it’s a more nailbiting finish than Ground Force!


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